A very bad day...

Started by TiffineyIngram, August 14, 2003, 08:55:13 AM

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TiffineyIngram

Hi all!  I'm having a really, REALLY bad day.  
 :'(
If you get bored, please email me a good joke.  I could use it right now.

Thank you in advance!

THE_D.O.C.

what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?






























a stick.



ba dum bum bum!!

EX#996

Quotewhat do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

a stick.



ba dum bum bum!!

Oh my goodness was that funny!!!!!

Dawn   ;D

{OK, perhaps I'm just a little punchy from doing paperwork today}
Paul and Dawn Buxton

EX#996

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
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Life is sexually transmitted.
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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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Get the last word in: Apologize.
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
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Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.


Paul and Dawn Buxton

TZDeSioux

I thought it was a booger but it'snot

I dreamt that I swallowed a giant marshmellow.. and when I woke up.. my pillow was gone.


EX#996

Subject: The 25 Truths Of Life...

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.


 ;D
Paul and Dawn Buxton

tigerblade

My favorite Deep Thought:

Boxing is like the ballet.  Except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.


 ;D
Younger Oil Racing

The man with the $200K spine...

bweber

What is black and blue and doesn't like sex?





















the 6 year old in Hitchcock's trunk!
 ;D

bweber

Remember, IT'S A JOKE!
"Welcome to Hell, my name is Brian"

bweber

OK, here is another one.  It isn't quite as perverted.

A baby seal walks into a club...  ;)

Litespeed

>
>A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of
>2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine
>lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was
>unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing
>behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said,
>"You must be single."
>
>The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked
>at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her
>selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But
>how on earth did you know that?"
>
>The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."




> >
> >A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
> >He asks "What for?"
> >She says "I want to kill my husband." He says "Sorry, I can't do that."
> >She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her
> >husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
> >
> >He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
> >
> >


> >Australian Breakthrough
> >
> >A scientist in Australia has invented a bra which offers more support and
> >prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing up and down.
> >After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a
> >large group of men beat the crap out of him.
> >


INTERESTING FACTS:
  
  

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.  

(Hardly seems worth it.)  
  
  
  

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.  
  
  
  
  

(Now that's more like it!)  
  
  
  
  
  

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.  
  
  
  
  

(O.M.G.!)
  
  
  
  
  
  

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.  
  
  
  
  

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)  
  
  
  
  

(I'm still not over the pig.)  
  
  
  
  
  

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.  
  
  
  
  

(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)  
  
  
  
  
  

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.  
  
  
  
  

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")  
  
  
  
  
  

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.  
  
  
  
  

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)  
  
  
  
  
  
  

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.  
  
  
  
  

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  
  
  
  
  

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Butterflies taste with their feet.  
  
  
  
  

(Something I always wanted to know.)  
  
  
  
  
  

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.  
  
  
  
  

(Hmmmmmm........)  
  
  
  
  
  

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.  
  
  

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
  
  
  
  

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.  
  
  
  
  

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)  
  
  
  
  
  

A cat's urine glows under a black light.  
  
  
  
  

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)  
  
  
  
  
  
  

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.  
  
  
  
  

(I know some people like that.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Starfish have no brains.  
  
  
  
  

(I know some people like that too.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Polar bears are left-handed.  
  
  
  
  

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.  
  
  
  
  

(What about that pig??)  
  
  



SliderPhoto

QuoteA baby seal walks into a club...  ;)

 :o :o :o :o
We're gonna have to change your nick to Dice.

Hickory dickery dock ...  8)