Hi all! I'm having a really, REALLY bad day.
:'(
If you get bored, please email me a good joke. I could use it right now.
Thank you in advance!
what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
a stick.
ba dum bum bum!!
Quotewhat do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
a stick.
ba dum bum bum!!
Oh my goodness was that funny!!!!!
Dawn ;D
{OK, perhaps I'm just a little punchy from doing paperwork today}
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
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Life is sexually transmitted.
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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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Get the last word in: Apologize.
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
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Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
I thought it was a booger but it'snot
I dreamt that I swallowed a giant marshmellow.. and when I woke up.. my pillow was gone.
Subject: The 25 Truths Of Life...
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
;D
My favorite Deep Thought:
Boxing is like the ballet. Except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
;D
What is black and blue and doesn't like sex?
the 6 year old in Hitchcock's trunk!
;D
Remember, IT'S A JOKE!
"Welcome to Hell, my name is Brian"
OK, here is another one. It isn't quite as perverted.
A baby seal walks into a club... ;)
>
>A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of
>2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine
>lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was
>unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing
>behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said,
>"You must be single."
>
>The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked
>at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her
>selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But
>how on earth did you know that?"
>
>The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
> >
> >A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
> >He asks "What for?"
> >She says "I want to kill my husband." He says "Sorry, I can't do that."
> >She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her
> >husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
> >
> >He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
> >
> >
> >Australian Breakthrough
> >
> >A scientist in Australia has invented a bra which offers more support and
> >prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing up and down.
> >After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a
> >large group of men beat the crap out of him.
> >
INTERESTING FACTS:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
QuoteA baby seal walks into a club... ;)
:o :o :o :o
We're gonna have to change your nick to Dice.
Hickory dickery dock ... 8)
All you have to do to make you smile is type dirty words that aren't really dirty words into the CCS boards. Like cockroach and dickory! LMAO!
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.....the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. ;)
Quote"Welcome to Hell, my name is Brian"
"Hi Brian"
OMG was that stuff funny...
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he
is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with
a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in Hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of
fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On
Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila,
Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we
throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get
the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our
friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...
you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps,
blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up
a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help
yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie
the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you
want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already
dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a
swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays...
Mathematical Viewpoint
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What makes 100% what does it mean to give more than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
we have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%
how about achieving 103%
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
IF: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11= 98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5= 96%
BUT
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E-=1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5= 100%
AND:
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T= 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND LOOK HOW FAR ASS KISSING WILL GET YOU:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G= 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7= 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While hardwork and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Asskissing will put you over the top. :-* :-* :-*
;D
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out in to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got
up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government
Worker and said, "What can your cat do?".
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
sh** on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put
in for Workers compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.