Midwest Mentality....

[Dawn]

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Illinois Indiana, Ohio, Minnesota, and North and South Dakota, these states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.  In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1.  That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2.  It's called a 'gravel road'.  No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator.  I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3.  We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.  Yeah, we saw Bambi.  We got over it.

4.  Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...  by our women.

5.  Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod.  Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle.  We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.

6.  Pull your pants up.  You look like an idiot.

7.  If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it.  You might hope you don't have it up
to your ear at the time.

8.  That's right.  Whiskey is only two bucks.  We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9.  No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.  Order steak.
Order it rare.  Or, you can order the Chef Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10.  You can bring Coke into my house, but it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11.  So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends.
We're real impressed.  We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12.  Let's get this straight.  We have one stoplight in town.  We stop when it s red.  We may even stop when it's yellow.

13.  Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to.
So, you're a feminist.  Isn't that cute ?!

14.  Yeah, we eat catfish.  Carp, too--and turtle.  You really want sushi and caviar?  It's available at the bait shop.

15.  They are pigs.  That's what they smell like.  Get over it.  Don't like it?
Interstates 80 & 90 go two ways -- Interstates 29 & 35 go the other two.
Pick one and use it accordingly.

16.  The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.  It's a religious holiday.  You can get breakfast at the church.

17.  So every person in every pickup waves.  It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?

18.  Yeah, we have golf courses.  Don't hit the ball into the water hazard.
It spooks the fish.

19.  That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot ...  his name is "Sir"...  no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit, and then go home!
 

Dawn   :D

PS  Can anyone guess what state 15 referres to?

[tshort]

Good one, Dawn.  But you left out Wisconsin on your list.  Which is ok, because we actually have a special set of tips for visitors (in addition to what you provided).

"How to save your a-s-s if you plan to visit Wisconsin this summer"[/i]
Issued by the Wisconsin Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Lodge. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your a-s-s.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sheboygan, Menomonee, Nekoosa, Prairie du Chien, etc.) or we will just have to kick your a-s-s.

3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called "pop". Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an a-s-s kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your a-s-s.

5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her a-s-s.

6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And don't laugh at our love and pride of cheese or we'll kick your a-s-s.

7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your a-s-s.

8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your a-s-s.

9) Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent. That will incite a riot and you will get your a-s-s kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and Chicago, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstate 90, 94, and 43 are ready when you are. Move your a-s-s on home before it gets kicked.

11) Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and farm land. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your a-s-s all the way back to Chicago.

12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your a-s-s, just like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your a-s-s.

14) Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. Your a-s-s will be kicked.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the prairies should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your a-s-s shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your a-s-s.

[Dawn]

That's pretty good Tom; but not everyone in Wisconsin is out to kick everyones 'rear.'  We're just a strong, opinionated bunch up here.

Dawn   ;D

[TZDeSioux]

You cheeseheads are way too violent! Too much ass kicking going on around up there.

[tshort]

That's pretty good Tom; but not everyone in Wisconsin is out to kick everyones 'rear.'  We're just a strong, opinionated bunch up here.

Dawn   ;D

Hey - they aren't *my* rules.  Just thought I'd pass them along.  You've been warned... :o ;D ;D

[MELK-MAN]

yup.. this was my life for the first 20 years of it. Grew up in a small midwest farm town. LeRoy IL.. Graduated with 52 people. My folks werent farmers but my cousin and step grandparents/uncles were.
It really is like this in some ways but i often miss some aspects of that life.  

[KBOlsen]

#15 refers to Iowa, right?

[Dawn]

#15 refers to Iowa, right?

LOL!!!

Yep.

Dawn   ;D

[tigerblade]

Graduated with 52 people.   

Gotcha beat.  Graduated with 26.   8)

[dwilson]

The high school I graduated has the prom entrances telivised...  That's right, thousands of kids showing up in anything you can think of...  They had to pass laws against coming in aircraft or parachuting in.

I'm not sure which is worst, 3,000 spoiled rich kids or seeing the same da.mn 52 kids every day...

[Chef]

You might be from Chicago if...
You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois.
You become irate at people who do.
You measure distance in minutes.
You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Plaines".
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
Stores don't have sacks, they have bags.
You can locate Illinois on the US map.
Your idea of a great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun
and is accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You drink "pop".
You realize that I-290, I-90, I-94, and I-294 are all different roads.
You refer to any interstate highway as "the tollway".
You know the names of the interstates: Stevenson, Kennedy, Eisenhower.
You refer to anything south of I-80 as "Southern Illinois".
You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake".
You refer to Chicago as "The City".
No matter where you are, when you hear the term "Downtown" you immediately
assume they're talking about Downtown Chicago.
*You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the
Packers!
You buy "The Trib".
You think 30 degrees is great weather to wash your car!
You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is.
You know what goes on a Chicago Style Hot Dog.
You know why they call Chicago, "The Windy City".
You understand what "lake-effect" means.
You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra and know where they end up.
You have ridden the "L".
You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847, 630, 773, 708,
312, & 815.
You have used furniture to guard your parking spot.
You respond to the question, "Where are you from" with a "side".
You know the phone number for Empire Carpet.

XXXX

[Dawn]

LOL!!!!

Ike that was good, but....

*You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the  
Packers!

That's just wrong.

Dawn   ;D