Midwest Mentality....

[Dawn]

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Illinois Indiana, Ohio, Minnesota, and North and South Dakota, these states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.  In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1.  That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2.  It's called a 'gravel road'.  No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator.  I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3.  We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.  Yeah, we saw Bambi.  We got over it.

4.  Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...  by our women.

5.  Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod.  Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle.  We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.

6.  Pull your pants up.  You look like an idiot.

7.  If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it.  You might hope you don't have it up
to your ear at the time.

8.  That's right.  Whiskey is only two bucks.  We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9.  No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.  Order steak.
Order it rare.  Or, you can order the Chef Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10.  You can bring Coke into my house, but it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11.  So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends.
We're real impressed.  We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12.  Let's get this straight.  We have one stoplight in town.  We stop when it s red.  We may even stop when it's yellow.

13.  Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to.
So, you're a feminist.  Isn't that cute ?!

14.  Yeah, we eat catfish.  Carp, too--and turtle.  You really want sushi and caviar?  It's available at the bait shop.

15.  They are pigs.  That's what they smell like.  Get over it.  Don't like it?
Interstates 80 & 90 go two ways -- Interstates 29 & 35 go the other two.
Pick one and use it accordingly.

16.  The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.  It's a religious holiday.  You can get breakfast at the church.

17.  So every person in every pickup waves.  It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?

18.  Yeah, we have golf courses.  Don't hit the ball into the water hazard.
It spooks the fish.

19.  That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot ...  his name is "Sir"...  no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit, and then go home!
 

Dawn   :D

PS  Can anyone guess what state 15 referres to?

[tshort]

Good one, Dawn.  But you left out Wisconsin on your list.  Which is ok, because we actually have a special set of tips for visitors (in addition to what you provided).

"How to save your a-s-s if you plan to visit Wisconsin this summer"[/i]
Issued by the Wisconsin Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Lodge. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your a-s-s.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sheboygan, Menomonee, Nekoosa, Prairie du Chien, etc.) or we will just have to kick your a-s-s.

3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called "pop". Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an a-s-s kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your a-s-s.

5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her a-s-s.

6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And don't laugh at our love and pride of cheese or we'll kick your a-s-s.

7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your a-s-s.

8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your a-s-s.

9) Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent. That will incite a riot and you will get your a-s-s kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and Chicago, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstate 90, 94, and 43 are ready when you are. Move your a-s-s on home before it gets kicked.

11) Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and farm land. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your a-s-s all the way back to Chicago.

12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your a-s-s, just like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your a-s-s.

14) Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. Your a-s-s will be kicked.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the prairies should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your a-s-s shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your a-s-s.

[Dawn]

That's pretty good Tom; but not everyone in Wisconsin is out to kick everyones 'rear.'  We're just a strong, opinionated bunch up here.

Dawn   ;D

[TZDeSioux]

You cheeseheads are way too violent! Too much ass kicking going on around up there.

[tshort]

That's pretty good Tom; but not everyone in Wisconsin is out to kick everyones 'rear.'  We're just a strong, opinionated bunch up here.

Dawn   ;D

Hey - they aren't *my* rules.  Just thought I'd pass them along.  You've been warned... :o ;D ;D

[MELK-MAN]

yup.. this was my life for the first 20 years of it. Grew up in a small midwest farm town. LeRoy IL.. Graduated with 52 people. My folks werent farmers but my cousin and step grandparents/uncles were.
It really is like this in some ways but i often miss some aspects of that life.  

[KBOlsen]

#15 refers to Iowa, right?

[Dawn]

#15 refers to Iowa, right?

LOL!!!

Yep.

Dawn   ;D

[tigerblade]

Graduated with 52 people.   

Gotcha beat.  Graduated with 26.   8)

[dwilson]

The high school I graduated has the prom entrances telivised...  That's right, thousands of kids showing up in anything you can think of...  They had to pass laws against coming in aircraft or parachuting in.

I'm not sure which is worst, 3,000 spoiled rich kids or seeing the same da.mn 52 kids every day...

[Chef]

You might be from Chicago if...
You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois.
You become irate at people who do.
You measure distance in minutes.
You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Plaines".
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
Stores don't have sacks, they have bags.
You can locate Illinois on the US map.
Your idea of a great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun
and is accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You drink "pop".
You realize that I-290, I-90, I-94, and I-294 are all different roads.
You refer to any interstate highway as "the tollway".
You know the names of the interstates: Stevenson, Kennedy, Eisenhower.
You refer to anything south of I-80 as "Southern Illinois".
You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake".
You refer to Chicago as "The City".
No matter where you are, when you hear the term "Downtown" you immediately
assume they're talking about Downtown Chicago.
*You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the
Packers!
You buy "The Trib".
You think 30 degrees is great weather to wash your car!
You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is.
You know what goes on a Chicago Style Hot Dog.
You know why they call Chicago, "The Windy City".
You understand what "lake-effect" means.
You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra and know where they end up.
You have ridden the "L".
You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847, 630, 773, 708,
312, & 815.
You have used furniture to guard your parking spot.
You respond to the question, "Where are you from" with a "side".
You know the phone number for Empire Carpet.

XXXX

[Dawn]

LOL!!!!

Ike that was good, but....

*You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the  
Packers!

That's just wrong.

Dawn   ;D

[Chef]

just keepin it real.... gotta keep it real... (thats Martin lawrences raspy security guard characters voice)

You didnt say anything bout that one :

11) Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and farm land. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your a-s-s all the way
         back to Chicago.
 >:(

we bout ta be fightin on dis here board here... ya hey dere ..... :P

[Dawn]

just keepin it real.... gotta keep it real... (thats Martin lawrences raspy security guard characters voice)

You didnt say anything bout that one :

11) Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and farm land. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your a-s-s all the way
         back to Chicago.
 >:(

we bout ta be fightin on dis here board here... ya hey dere ..... :P

I made a comment about the entire post.  I don't support such violence.  

We have a lot of scenic beauty in Wisconsin and Chicago is all concrete and steel.   :-/

Dawn   ;)

[MZGirl]

This thread reminds me why I'm happy I'm from and still live in the Southwest.   ;D ;)

[Dawn]

This thread reminds me why I'm happy I'm from and still live in the Southwest.   ;D ;)

Hey!  Wait a minute....  Don't you have the Cardinals down there?  They were a football team from St. Louis.  It would be very easy to drag you into the middle of this too, ya' know.

Dawn   ;) ;D

[MZGirl]

Hey!  Wait a minute....  Don't you have the Cardinals down there?  They were a football team from St. Louis.  It would be very easy to drag you into the middle of this too, ya' know.

 ??? I know nothing about football.  Hmm...St. Louis you say?  Sound like snowbirds to me.  Of course, it's getting hot down here now, so all the snowbirds have flown back home.   :)

[KBOlsen]

LOL, Ike ....   588-2300!!!

[Redflagger]

) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called "pop". Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an a-s-s kicking.

Now that I live out side of Wisconsin, I fully understand how true this all is.  Except that growing up in Elkhart Lake, it was soda.  We kicked thosde who said pop or even soda-pop.

9) Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent. That will incite a riot and you will get your a-s-s kicked

Don't call a Wisconsin accent a Minnesota accent.

[StumpysWife]

Ok here it goes....

(We're from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.)

You might be a Yooper if...
    *  You see no reason to stop at a rest stop because you have a milk jug in the car.
    * Your wife's Lady Remington is a 30-06.
    * Your wife's night gown says 'Fred Bear Archery.'
    * A trip to the islands means "Mackinac."
    * You install your snow tires in September.
    * You think working at McDonald's means making the big bucks.
    * Going south for the winter means Escanaba.
    * You think that Iron Mountain is a prime example of a big city in urban decay.
    * You think the phrase "To open a can of worms" means "we're going fishing."
****People in Wisconsin act superior to you.****
    * You thing that a Big Mac and a shake refers to the bridge on a windy day.
    * Your kid aces the 3rd grade...on his 9th try.
    * Being a "Red Wing fan" means you like their new line of hiking boots.
    * You watched the "Ricki Lake Show" because you thought it was about fishing.
    * You answer the question "How many Yoopers does it take to change a light bulb?" with 'none, we don't have electricity.'
    * You think that "The straits of Mackinac" refers to the heterosexual population on the island.
    * You think that the Mackinac ferry refers to, well, you know.
    * You view working the drive through window as an important career advancement.
    * You only know Ted Nugent for his archery equipment.
    * You think the phrase "It's all down hill from here" is an advertisement for the local ski lodge.
    * You think that a 6 pack of Strohs, a bag of Dorito's, salsa and bean dip cover 4 of the 7 basic food groups.
    * You think your family tree is the one in the backyard with the tire swing.
    * You saw a sign that said "Drink Canada Dry" and you've been trying ever since.
    * You think Canadian Club is the hockey team from Wawa, Ontario, eh?
    * Your car phone is a rotary model with a loooooong cord.
    * You didn't go see the movie Malcolm X because you missed Malcom I through IX.
    * You can ice fish 9 months of the year.
    * You think that poached eggs means they were stolen from your neighbor's chickens.
    * You can't light a childproof cigarette lighter.
    * You think the sign in every bar that says NO MINORS SERVED is occupationally biased.
    * You think the sign saying FINE FOR PARKING means this is a really good spot to leave the car.
    * You consider membership in the Michigan Militia as a viable military career.
    * Your Junior High School has a mandatory class titled Chainsaw Operation and Repair.
     * Your idea of deer hunting is driving down the logging roads in your 4-wheel drive without your gun.
    * When sent for a jack, you bring back a fifth of Lynchburg, Tennessee's finest.
    * Your summer shirts are plaid wool (same as your winter shirts).
    * Your mosquito repellent doubles as your aftershave.
    * Your ice fishing shanty is better furnished than your house.
    * You think 'ice beer' is leaving a 6 pack of Old Milwaukee outside overnight.
    * You think that The Milwaukee Brewers and the Green Bay Packers are labor unions in Wisconsin.
    * Your favorite bar plays both kinds of music, Country and western.
     * You consider a thunderstorm as a drive-thru car wash.
    * Your wife's new fur coat came from animals you trapped yourself.
    * You think Barney Rubble deserves an Emmy as Best Supporting Actor.
    * The local meat market sells daily road kill specials.
    * You think Algebra is a type of woman's underwear.
    * You use four sheep to mow your lawn.
    * Nothing in your living room clashes with your stuffed moose head.
    * Your local bowling alley has 6 lanes so there's no waiting.
    * People admiring your earthtone carpet suddenly realize it really is the earth.
    * The county library has one book, "Dick and Jane."
    * You still have all your original teeth, you just keep them in a jar on the shelf.
    * You know 16 ways to cook a raccoon.
    * The local record store still has brand new 8-track tapes for sale.
    * You think a Laundromat is something soft to kneel on when you wash your clothes in the creek.
    * The local movie theater is offering "Gone With The Wind" as a first run feature presentation.
    * The local doctor is also the veterinarian, auto mechanic...and the school bus driver.
    * All the available radio stations can be preset on your car radio's 6 buttons ? 3 times!
    * Your friends give you a really cool nick name, like "Stinky."
    * You fertilize the lawn by letting the cows out of the barn.
    * You burn your kid's Statistics text book as pornography, after all it had one whole chapter on standard deviations. They will learn about leather, whips and sheep soon enough!


It's a freak of a place, let me tell you.  I could add so much more to this list!  

Ahh, I'm so proud  ;D

[EX#996]

Whaa Haaa Haaa....

Heather - that was really good!  

Somehow I could relate to most of those.  ???

However, no comment about your infamous Lions?

Dawn   ;) ;D

[StumpysWife]

What Lions?  Oh that team that was beat in a high school scrimmage????  From Detroit???  Yeah, I think even their fans try to forget they exist!!!!

[TZDeSioux]

here in the northside where I live, we don't call it pop or soda. We call it a carbonated beverage.  ::)

[Pit_Girl]

You know the phone number for Empire Carpet.

XXXX

1-800-588-2300 ??

i remember way too much of what i watch on tv (but defianetly a good thing when watching all those forensic pathology shows ;))

-jennifer

oh, wait, i didnt read through the rest of the posts... guess kim already responded.... oopsies

[racesbikes]

The hair on the back of my neck is standing up!

4 years at Michigan Tech (Houghton MI....the heart of the U.P) followed by 15 years in Chicago.

At least no one mentioned "pasties".

Or in Chicago where you can go "up south" or have a "coupla two tree" guys walking "side by each".

Phoenix is sooooooo nice.

 ;D

[AZ-MilleR]

For those in Arizona:

You might in Arizona if....
You buy salsa by the gallon.

You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.

You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.

Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los".

You think 60 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent.

You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.

You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny.

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.

You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over 100 degrees.

Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

People break out coats when temperature drops below 70 degrees.

You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

The pool can be warmer than you are.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.

Most homes have more firearms than people.

Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"

People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

The AC is on your list of best friends.

You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.

The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.

You can (correctly) pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Ocotillo", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and "Ajo".

It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is walking on the streets.

You experience third degree burns if you touch any metal part of your car.

You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're wearing shorts.

Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with "in case of rain......"

When someone asks how far you live from a location, it's always in terms of minutes, not miles.

Everyone's smiling and talking about the great weather on rainy days.

You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight savings time.

[MELK-MAN]

LOL, Ike ....   588-2300!!!

you beat me too it.. i was Humming that damn commercial all afternoon trying to remember the #..

[Peanut]

Good one, Dawn.  But you left out Wisconsin on your list.  Which is ok, because we actually have a special set of tips for visitors (in addition to what you provided).

"How to save your a-s-s if you plan to visit Wisconsin this summer"[/i]
Issued by the Wisconsin Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the prairies should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your a-s-s shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your a-s-s.

Yea yea, I got 1 for ya, don't wear that straw hat and those overalls over here or what we eat for dinner won't just be Betsy the cow! ;)

Country people......... :o

[MZGirl]

Thanks AZ-MilleR.   :D  Being a 3rd generation native Arizonan, I got a real kick out of that!

[TiffineyIngram]

Redneck Family Tree

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

  

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,   And soon the two were wed.

  

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,   For she was my father's wife.

  

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy,

I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

  

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

  

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother

To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

  

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

  

My wife is now my mother's mother   And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too.

  

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

  

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

[Eddie#200]

588-2300! ;D

[Decreasing_Dave]

This thread reminds me why I'm happy I'm from and still live in the Southwest.   ;D ;)

WEEELLLLL....I'm glad SOMEONE is happy to be here. :-/