best headlines of 2004

[Eric Kelcher]

THE YEAR'S BEST
ACTUAL
HEADLINES OF 2004:


Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
     [imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
      [no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
    [now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
    [not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
      [what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
    [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
   [see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
   [I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
   [you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
     [who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide    
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge  
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity
Looks for Larger Test Group  
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft    
[That what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks    
[Taste like chicken!]

Chef Throws His Heart
into Helping Feed Needy  
[That was really giving of himself!]

Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half  
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors    
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery;
Hundreds Dead

 

[K3 Chris Onwiler]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks    
[Taste like chicken!]

WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!  And this from a new dad!