Smile!!!!

[Dawn]

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life,  I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed
 with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess"on it.
 So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. How come we choose from just two people to run
 for president and 50 for Miss America?

5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but,  a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
 If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping,"  now I just "chunky dunk."

8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may
 not be able to tell the difference.

9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

11.. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and
   brain cells go, but FAT cells lie forever.

12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

13. Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier

[cornercamping]

 ;D  Me Likes This One:

Microsoft vs. General Motors
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:


For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.



Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.



Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.



Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.



The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.



The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.



Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.



Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.



You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[tigerblade]

Axioms


1. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

2. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

8. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

9. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

10. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

11. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end...

...someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

12. You can't have everything; where would you put it?

13. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

14. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

15. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

16. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

17. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

18. Shin: A device for finding furniture.

19. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

20. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

21. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

22. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[bweber]

My favorite joke starts off like this:

"A baby seal walks into a club..." ;D

[cornercamping]

My favorite joke starts off like this:

"A baby seal walks into a club..." ;D

and  ???

[bweber]

baby seal, club....  You must need a sick mind like mine to be amused by that.

[KBOlsen]

boooooooo!

[cornercamping]

I still don't get it  ???

[K3 Chris Onwiler]

Think fur trade, Russian trawlers, bloody snow, Greenpeace...
Got it now?
God!  It's even worse if you have to explain it! :o :'(

[cornercamping]

You could've just said "how U.S. Soldiers take care of Taliban."  ::)




























I'm gonna catch hell for that one huh ?




















 ::) ;D

[tigerblade]

My favorite joke starts off like this:

"A baby seal walks into a club..." ;D

That one always reminds me of Dennis Leary for some reason.   ;D