Thursday Funnies

[KBOlsen]

Taxes
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money)
Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service Charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer registration tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
 
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What the hell happened?

[KBOlsen]

Pithy thoughts on our national beverage
 
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer --Homer Simpson
 
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.  --Frank Sinatra
 
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway
 
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin  
 
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. --Anonymous  
 
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. --G.K. Chesterton
 
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
 
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce  
 
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. --Anonymous
 
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking  up with fat hairy girls. -- Ross Levy  
 
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
 
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields
 
Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. --Anonymous
 
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye
 
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar  Wilde
 
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
 
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa
 
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --T-Bone Stanka
 
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright
 
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven. --Brian O'Rourke
 
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline -it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa
 
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
 
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
 
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
 
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
 
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with  pizza. --Dave Barry
 
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
 
Why is Australian beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton
 
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm
 
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --George Jean Nathan
 
I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan

[KBOlsen]

After living in the remote wilderness of Alabama all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picked up a mirror for the very first time and looked into it. Not
knowing what the mirror was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father, so he hung the mirror in the barn.
 
Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with!"  
*****************************************Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears a.......

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle
of the street towards him

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster...

BUMP...
BUMP....
BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...

clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
  
on the heels of the terrified man....
 
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. . With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ...
 
his hand comes to rest on! a large bottle of ROBITUSSIN .  Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition, and...


THE COFFIN STOPPED.

[KBOlsen]

Obituary  
 
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.
 
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
 
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
 
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
 
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still know him pass this on, if not you can give him a second death.
************************************
You know you're trailer trash when:
 
1.  The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
 
2.  You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
 
3.  You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.
 
4.  You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
 
5.  Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
 
6.  You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
 
7.  Anyone in your family has died right after saying "Hey watch this!"
 
8.  You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
 
9.  Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
 
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
 
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are:  "Gentlemen, start your  engines."
 
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
 
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
 
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
 
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
 
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
 
18. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
 
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
 
20. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
 
21. At some point in your life you've been too drunk to fish.
 
Boudreaux took Marie home with him and took off his shirt.
 
Marie said,  "Boudreaux dat's some chest you have dare."
 
Boudreaux says, "Marie, dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite". Next  he  took off his pants.
 
Marie says,  "Boudreaux dat's nice calves you have dare."
 
Boudreaux says,  "Marie dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite."
 
Boudreaux quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Marie screamed and ran out the door. Boudreaux put his clothes back  on and ran after her.
 
Catching her, Boudreaux said "Marie, why you ran out like dat?"
 
Marie said, "With all dat dynamite around, I taught it was going to explode  when I saw how short da fuse was"!

[KBOlsen]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his  wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
 
"Triple filter?"
 
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
 
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."
 
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or  not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary ..."
 
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,  but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though,  because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you  want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
 
"No, not really."
 
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
 
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

**************************************
Q: What do you call 47 guys sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Chicago Bears!
 
Q. What's the difference between the Chicago Bears & the Taliban?
A. The Taliban has a running game.
 
Q. How do the Chicago Bears count to 10?
A. 0-1, 0-2 , 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10
 
Q. What do the Chicago Bears & Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 60,000 people stand up & yell "Jesus Christ"!
 
Q. How do you keep a Bear out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts!
 
Q. Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado?
A. To Soldier Field - they never get a touchdown there!
 
Q. Why doesn't Joliet have a professional football team?
A. Because then Chicago would want one.
 
Q. Why was Dick Jauron upset when the Bears playbook was stolen?
A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.
 
Q. What's the difference between the Chicago Bears and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
 
Q. What do the Bears and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
 
Q. How can you tell when the Chicago Bears are going to run the football?
A. The back leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.

[KBOlsen]

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But  I  repeat myself. --Mark Twain  
 
We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill
 
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw
 
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. --G. Gordon Liddy speaking for Bob Hansen
 
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what  to have for dinner. --James Bovard, Civil Libertarian
 
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. --Douglas Casey, Classmate of W. J. Clinton at Georgetown U.
 
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. --P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
 
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastiat, French Economist(1801-1850)
 
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:  If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. --Ronald Reagan
 
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the fact --Will Rogers
 
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs  when it's free. --P.J. O'Rourke
 
If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, You're a moderate. If you don't want  government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist. -- Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time
 
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other --Voltaire(1764)
 
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. --Pericles(430 B.C.)
 
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. --Mark Twain
 
Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. --Unknown  
 
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. --Ronald Reagan
 
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --Winston Churchill
 
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain
 
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to  fill the world with fools --Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher(1820-1903)
 
There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. --Mark Twain
 
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.  
 
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.  The vet found the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both of them and the dog could hear fine.
 
The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in the dog's ears once a month.  The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair".
 
At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
 
The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."
 
The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
 
The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."
 
The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."  
 
And finally, from the "truth is stranger than fiction" file...
 
Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll.  Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree.  Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal Election Commission.  
 
He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer. This is a first in American politics: An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate...won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate...then was hired by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate.  His new job?  Youth counselor.  

[EX#996]

Do you know why there are 18 holes to a round of golf?

When the game was being developed in Scotland, it was played while drinking a fifth of scotch.  There are 18 shots in a fifth, so you play until your scotch is gone.  (9 holes are for the heavy drinkers).

Dawn   :D

[KBOlsen]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.   Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
 
"What are you doing?" she asked.
 
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
 
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
 
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law  explained.
 
"Love dress? But you're naked!" says mother-in-law
 
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she  explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.  He can't get enough of me."
 
The mother-in-law left.  When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw  her laying there so provocatively.
 
"What are you doing?" he asked.
 
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
 
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"  
 
Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
 
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and
shouldn't, use the tape.
 
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."  
 
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
 
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
 
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
 
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
 
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
 
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
 
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
 
11. Living well really is the best revenge.. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
 
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
 
13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.  

[oldguy]

That was some great stuff, girls. You brightened up an otherwise crappy day! ;D  ;D