Not appropriate, but darn funny....

[Dawn]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's alive . ....and with physical therapy, may even walk again.

Dawn   ;D

[Admin]

Very funny!

[am125ike]

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect
 his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but
there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem.
 When we sent the samples from your wife to the
 lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as
 well and we are now uncertain which one is your
 wife's.
Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"  "What do you mean?"
 "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
 "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"  "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than
 once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
 "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife
 off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home,
   don't sleep with her."
--------------------------------------------------
Are you too OLD?

When Are You Too Old!  
I finally got a new primary care physician. After exhaustive tests, he said I was
doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him----- "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"  
Doc: "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no", I replied, "I've never done those things."
Doc: "Do you eat big steaks and BBQ ribs?? "Nope, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
Doc: "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with the opposite sex ?" he then inquired. "No, I've never done any of those things either."
Doc: "Then tell me; can you think of any good reason why in hell you'd want to live to be 90 ?? !!

[KBOlsen]

Thanks, Dawn and Ike... I really needed a laugh today! :D

[TiffineyIngram]

I had to share this one, it's way too funny not to...

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

[Eddie#200]

A man walks into a doctors office with a frog on his head.

The doctor says "can I help you?"

The frog says "yeah, can you cut this wart off my butt?"

[am125ike]

Thanks, Dawn and Ike... I really needed a laugh today! :D

YOURE GOOD !!! KIM!!

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male
 pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the
 pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no
 males employed there.

    She then asked if there was something she could help
 the gentleman with.

     The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have
 a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe
 embarrassment. I  was wondering what you could give me for it?"

    The pharmacist said  "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When
she
 returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and
 $3000 a month in  living expenses."

[harb990]

Just recieved this from a friend of mine.

The Fair Witness

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight.  While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it!
     This man has been very generous!
     I lied when I told you I inherited money.
     He paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you.
     He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
     He paid for our cabin at the lake.
     He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said,
"What would you do  in a case like this?"  

The cabby said, "I'd cover his a$$ up with that blanket before he catches a cold.

[am125ike]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5­story hotel
with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their
 boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.  The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.  "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are  looking for, you can stay there. It's
 easy to decide since each floor has  a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

 "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without
hesitation move on to the next floor.  The sign on the second floor reads:

"All the men here have it long and  thin."  Still, this isn't good enough so
the friends continue on up.  They reach the third floor and the sign
reads:

 "All the men here have it  short and thick."  They still want to do
 better, and so, knowing there are still two floors  left, they
continued on up.  On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect:

 "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realise that there is still one floor left.  Wondering what they are missing, they  head on up to the fifth floor.  

There they find a sign that reads:
"There are no men here.  This floor was  built only to prove
that there is no way to please a woman."

[Dawn]

 ;D   ;D    ;D     ;D

It's amazing what you run across when you're looking for something.

 ;)