Smack my A$$ & call me Sally!

[Jeff]

Can't take credit for it, but it's a hilarious read nonetheless...

Sit back for a tale of misery and woe in the tradition of the greatest of Shakespearean tragedies.

Last night I went to a bachelor party for one of my fraternity brothers from college. While the details of the gallons of beer, pimped out party bus, dozens of shots of liquor, a severely sprained ankle, as well as the endless procession of strippers (who are only trying to pay their way through medical school from what I could gather) are unimportant for purposes of this story, one incident is imperative to note.

Several triple deuce funnels (this is malt liquor through a beer funnel), Cuervo, and Three Wiseman (an evil concoction of Jim, Jack & Johnny) shots deep into the night I somehow ended up chugging an entire bottle of Smack My Ass And Call Me Sally hot sauce. Perhaps it was the rekindled spirit of past fraternity hijinks, or the fact that Jackass The Movie was playing on the bus, that made me gargle the habanero infusion with such glee.

I awoke this morning oddly refreshed after only two hours of sleep, invigorated if you will, with none of the ill feelings associated with the type of hangover that feels like a team of gnomes is doing road construction on the inside wall of your skull. After seeing that my ankle was the size of a ham hock in a lovely shade of eggplant purple I decided to go to the emergency room. Two hours later, X-rays revealed only a severe sprain, and no broken metatasals which equals no cast which equals that I'm going diving the next weekend even if they have to duct tape my legs together in full sea mammal mono-fin type fashion. Still feeling fantastic, I stopped at the local Chinese restaurant on the way home for some takeout General Tsao chicken (spicy!).

While in the dining room of my Lutz chalet, the hammer dropped hard on my world after the second bite of the savory General Tsao. A low rumble suddenly eminated from deep with in the core of my bowels, like a distant thunder at night. My intestines whipped taut like a firehose being turned on, as sweat began to pour off my brow like a commercial irrigation soaker hose. At that moment I realized that I was in a Def-Con Four,  this is not a drill, all hands man your battlestations situation.

I staggered off my chair and hobbled to the toilet, all the while resembling Quasimodo after a nitrous oxide whippet. In one fluid ergonomic motion I dropped my pants as I fell backwards on the bowl. What happened next is almost beyond my capacity to describe in words. It was as if Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of fire was releasing molten magma from deep within the center of the Earth through my anus. My colon was transformed into a fabled medieval dragon spewing great gouts of brimstone, as I steadied myself desperately with my arms on either wall of the bathroom, face contorted in a steely rictus.  

I prayed to Jesus, Buddha, The Great Spirit, Allah, Chango, and King Neptune simultaneously to help me survive this abomination. For several minutes my GI tract fought an epic battle with the foul demon from the fiery pits of Hades that had taken the mortal form of the Smack My Ass sauce I had imbibed the night before.

After what seemed like an eternity I emerged from my pain induced trance to realize that the Great Satan had been cast out, and that I had perservered through my hellish self induced rite of passage.

[Jeff]

"I disagree" = "My A$$"

LOL...

[Dawn]

LOL....

It reminds me of Thanksgiving at my house when Paul's uncle D1ckie went to use the downstairs toilet.  I'm upstairs and I hear this ....  

BBBBRRRRRAAAAAAAAPPPPFFFFFFTTTTT

... and then D1ckie go "Whooooaaa"

I laughed so damn hard.  Needless to say that he felt better after his trip to the bathroom.

Dawn   ;)

[Eric Kelcher]

... Three Wiseman (an evil concoction of Jagermesiter, Rumpelmintz, and 151 rum) shots ...

Strange you guys have the same revised version of a Three wiseman that I have seen down here.

A real three wiseman is Johnny (Walker black), Jack (Daniels black) and Jim (Beam). strangfe how a drink that was all whisky has transformed itself over the last five years into something without whiskey and is the same concotion 1000 miles apart.

[Dawn]

A real three wiseman is Johnny (Walker black), Jack (Daniels black) and Jim (Beam).  

This is the drink that I know also.  Perhaps the writer was too.... inebriated.... to know the difference.

 ;D

[K3 Chris Onwiler]

COME ON ICE CREAM!  COME ON ICE CREAM!

[Eric Kelcher]

 :o

[Thingy]

A real three wiseman is Johnny (Walker black), Jack (Daniels black) and Jim (Beam).  

that is what I thought too.

[Jeff]

It ruined the story so bad I've changed it.  There...

:)

[Super Dave]

Ah...LOL!

Anything having to do with flatulating or further...

Well, I think it's the common denomenator of humor...

[Thingy]

It ruined the story so bad I've changed it.  There...

:)

Always the team player...  ;)

[jp233]

what is really nasty (a favorite to buy a drunkard who is celebrating their 21st, old fraternity prank), is to order a FOUR wisemen...... Jim Jack John and JOSE  :o :o :o or a Gorilla Fart, or worse, a CEMENT MIXER.... instant yack