Moral Issue

[cornercamping]

Well, long story short, my wife's father passed away tonight from cancer.  I have a personal dillema to deal with, and I'm not sure who I can ask opinion's from so I decided that you guys are probably the best resource because of all the different "opinions" on this board.  This is not a joke, and I am being 10000000% serious.

More or less, for the last year my now father in law has been battling cancer.  Over the last year, he's been mostly in the hospital, and thru pure hell.  He left behind 2 daughters (my wife and her sister) and his wife. Other than that, really not much more family.  So, my now mother-in-law has been financially struggling due to her sole income paying for everything.  He is retired military, and insurance coverd a majority of the medical expenses. The only problem is, the income of one person soley barely covered the rest of the bills.   At one point, I loanded my mother in law quite a bit of money to help her pay her bills.  She's been working on and off due to having to be at the hospital after all the therapy, surgeries, ect.   She has a steady job as a government employee, but has taken so much time off over the last year that she has been on un-paid  leave for the last month or so knowing that he wouldn't be around much longer.  So, she's more or less broke, and her income can't support her.  He had life insurance and such, but until the insurance pays up, she's pretty much broke.   Ontop of all this, she still has to cover all funeral expenses and I doubt she has enough to do it ( I didn't ask.)
So, here's my problem.  My wife's sister, whom is married and has one child herself, has yet to do anything to help her mother. Both she and her husband have full time jobs.  They also always say how broke they are and how they can't pay for this and that.  Now, fortunately I make enough money so my wife doesn't have to work and can stay home and raise our daughter.   This for some reason makes her sister think I am a walking ATM.   So, on "behalf" of my wife, I loaned my mother in law several thousand $ because she wasn't working and such because of her husband dying of cancer.   The problem is to this day, my wife's sister has yet to offer a single penny to help out her own mother.   Now, as I said, she says she's so broke this and that, but then I start "seeing" things that indicate that she's not as broke as she says she is.  I call it: SELECTIVELY BROKE meaning she only has money when she wants something for herself.   For instance, right after I loanded her mother the money the first time, her and her husband went out and spent more than I loaned her mother on a time share at Disney World.   So, obviously this doesn't make me too happy.  The issue isn't that I loaned her mother the money, it was that she didn't even offer to help her own mother. I think you get what I mean by "selectively broke."

[cornercamping]

Now that he passed away, obviously my mother in law is going to need some financiial assistance.  I have no problem what so ever loaning her more money. I do however have a problem with her own daughter not offering to help with a single penny and playing the "I'm broke" role when any money subjects come up.  To this day, I haven't brought the subject up to anyone other than a couple of friends that have no really good opinion.   I haven't said anything to my wife, her mother, or her sister.   I honestly hate my sister in law and it's well known, but nobody really knows why.   I decided to keep my mouth shut while he was hospitalized and not add any additional grief to the pile and bite the bullet.   I'm now on the hot seat again as the only person who has any money to loan her for the funeral costs ect.   I know for a fact that my sister in law and her husband have money, but I also know they aren't going to give it up either.  So, what do I do?  

1. Go after the sister in law and confront her on the issue and her responsibilites to help her mother.

2. Bite the bullet and not say anything and just loan out the money and pray I get it back some day.

So, one day this is all going to come out when I get pissed and blow my top.   Is it too soon to mention this subject to my wife and sister in law?  I know their father died this evening but everyone saw it coming and also felt it to be in his own best interest.   This "struggle" with my father in laws cancer has been going on for over a year.  When they diagnost (sp) the cancer it was already Stage 4 Brain Cancer and they gave him 6 months tops back then.  I guess it's just hard to explain.

What do you think the right thing for me to do is in this situation?  To me the money part of it isn't the issue.  It's more or less the principle of me being the only option because the others capable of it are lying of what they are really capable of.   I know her mother can't cover the costs alone.  Obviously her own daughter could care less. My wife told me several times the first time I loaned her mother the money that she doesn't know when or if I'lll ever get the money back. Regardless, I'll still give her the money.   Now I just have to figure out when and how to address the issue with her sister, who is so broke that she's only going to Vegas in Feb. for 3 days instead of a full week yet can't loan her mother any money to help pay to have her own father burried because she is so broke   ::)   >:(

[cornercamping]

Oh yeah, the life insurance issue is kind of dead.  She won't get that money fast enough to pay for all the funeral expenses.  Ontop of that, she hasn't paid her mortgage on the house in a few months because of only having her income and not his to help.  The cancer was kind of a shock to the entire family, and their combined income was just enough to cover everything.  They lived pay check to pay check more or less.  When he quit working a year ago, she was on her own for everything and doesn't even make enough a month to cover the mortgage alone.  From what I was told, his life insurance will pay off the entire mortgage plus give her $100K.  I doubt that life insurance will pay up before Friday of this week.  The funeral arrangements are being made tomorrow.

[Mark Bernard]

Rather than saying something now, I personally would wait for a while before confronting your sister in law. Discuss it with your wife when things calm down a little. I know your frustrated at this point but saying something now could be disasterous. Bite the bullet "for now" and take time to talk to your wife in depth and explain your concerns abour your sister in laws "selictive brokeness". Sorry about your father in law by the way. My .02 Good luck! Mark B.

[251am]

  Tough spot to be in. You're not an ATM. You worked hard to get where you're at, more than likely, and it sounds like the sister is a deadbeat. Let the insurance kick in and pay the rest off. If you've already "loaned" 1000s then it's someone else's turn. Family loans are tricky as most of the time there is an unspoken rule they're not to be paid off unless you get it in writing. If anyone approaches you two for more money show 'em the current balance sheet. Have your wife deal with the sister.
  Aw hell, just sell a couple bikes and pay for the funeral and catch the mortgage up.   ;D Sorry about the loss either way.    

[K3 Chris Onwiler]

Mark is right.  Now isn't the time.  Do your duty to your wife and pay what you have to get the task of burying the old guy, but figure it's spent money, not loaned.  Hell, just tell the Mother-in-law that you and your wife think it would be an honor to help bury Dad, pay a share, and don't even ask for it back.
That would be an honorable thing to do, and how much of a piece of @#$% does that make the Sister-in-law look like?  If you get a chance to PRIVATELY dig your spurs into the sister-in-law at her most vulnerable moment, go for it, WFO!
And later, maybe in a year or more, you'll have to tell the wife exactly what you think of the sister.  that can't simmer forever.
Vets usually get a burial package, don't they?

[EX#996]

Have you mother-in-law talk the the funeral home regarding an "assignment of life proceeds."  This is where a form is signed by the beneficiaries and sent to the life insurance company stating that the life insurance company will pay the funeral home directly for the cost of burial.  This may be a way to have the funeral done without and upfront $$$.

Family situations are difficult.

Good Luck,

Dawn  

[spyderchick]

Dan, you've got mail.

[TiffineyIngram]

Unfortunately I've been in your wife's position.  My father passed away three years ago from brain cancer.  He was 41, I was 20.  Lucky for me, though, he had taken care of his arrangements so I wouldn't have to.  Personally, I would have a quiet sit-down with your wife and her sister and husband.  Explain what the costs are and offer to split them.  If she says she's broke, remind her that "broke" is relative.  I'm sure it will be hard to stay calm when you're seething (I would be too, no judgement) and  I know it's a very difficult situation to be in but it's better to at least put it on the table so she and her husband know that you expect their help, even if they aren't willing to give it.  It just might make them think before they schedule another trip.

Please pass on my condolences to your wife.

[cornercamping]

Thanks guys  :)

[Super Dave]

I lost my mother to cancer almost ten years ago.  

Didn't have the problems you are having in this situation.

But while my mom had cancer, a good friend of mine that worked for CCS wrote a note to my mother.

"You always keep praying, and you never give up."

For just about anything, that statement works.  

People have reasons and excuses.  Regardless, now is not the time to bring those things up.  Best thing to do is be a man, help everyone carry the pieces of their lives and keep your chin up to help those of your family.

[dwilson]

I'd wait a few weeks then have a 'talk' with your sister in law.

This is only part 1, wait until your sister in law tells every one how much she did when your moter-in-law dies and there's inhereitence to be fought for  ::)