OT - But very funny

[Burt Munro]

(the author of this story is annonymous....  but for some reason, wicked images of K3 writing this were dancing in my head!)  ;D

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes...

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled).

I bought something really cool for her. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra special for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to capacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat
to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out -- way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two Triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.

I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two Triple-A batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little soul she was), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with just two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no way!" trust me,
 Go to Part II.....

[Burt Munro]

but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, The cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," and I'm reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the **** of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *************!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, Do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both t**ties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

[Woofentino Pugrossi]

Mark was that you? ;D ;D

[dylanfan53]

ROTFLMAO! ;D ;D ;D

[GSXR RACER MIKE]

OMG! That's just too funny! ;D ;D ;D

[r1owner]

OMG, ROFLMAO!  Glad you came out of it OK, but also glad that you lived to tell the story! :)

[K3 Chris Onwiler]

(the author of this story is annonymous....  but for some reason, wicked images of K3 writing this were dancing in my head!)  ;D

Nah, I'm too smart for that.  My first thought was He'll never be able to let go of the trigger!  I've been well trained to examine a plan for obvious flaws.  My father provided this training.  I guess you could say that I learned what NOT to do by his example.  
Understand that my father is a genius.  He used to design and build his own race cars, and you don't do that if you're a dummy.  However, my father is the king of stupid stunts.  His favorite saying is, "I must have been standing too close to the forest to see the trees!"  I suspect that Dad will eventually be killed by a falling tree...
Growing up with this guy for a dad taught me a lot.  Once, he welded a fender on a car, then told me to undercoat it.  When he returned from a poddy break, he decided to touch up his weld a bit.  I was then shot from the fenderwell like an aerosol-propelled champaign cork!  The resulting burns and bald head took me out of the dating pool for the rest of that summer...
Then there was the 220V debacle.  Good old dad was extending a circuit from a 220V box to the other side of his shop.  He ran the conduit first.  Next, he measured, cut, and attached the wires to the breaker box.  Finally, be ran an electritian's tape through the conduit, attached it to the wires, and had me yank on the end of the tape as he fed the wires through the breaker box end.  As we pulled and pushed, the loop of wire on his end hooked the handle on the breaker box.  With one last mighty tug, I snapped the lever into the on position, thus electrofying the wires in my hands with 220V of Com-Ed's finest.
There are many other stories I could tell, up to and including the night we burned down the garage with nothing more than a leaking air compressor that automatically kicked on below 60 psi and a 55 gallon drum of 108 octane race fuel.  Let's just say that my dad taught me a lot...

[GSXR RACER MIKE]

 My first thought was He'll never be able to let go of the trigger!  I've been well trained to examine a plan for obvious flaws.

     I noticed the same thing as I was reading the story, thinking to myself that you wouldn't be able to 'just let go' of it at will. :o

[dylanfan53]

    I noticed the same thing as I was reading the story, thinking to myself that you wouldn't be able to 'just let go' of it at will. :o

I noticed that too.  What a dummy!
I'd have rigged something up to yank the device out of my hand after I pressed the button to make sure that it released while I was writhing in stuporous agony on the floor.  Gotta think ahead.
 ;)  ;D

[gma]

if i'm not mistaken (from my law enforcement background), a tazer projects tethered prongs that engage the target and pass the current through the subject from a distance. i believe a stun gun would be the direct contact version described in this hilarious passage.

btw, guys - nothing says, 'i care' more than a stun gun for your gal on valentine's day. just learn how to defeat it for when she get's p'd at you. good for peace of mind on those weekends when she's not at the track with you.

just thought that might help if anyone is thinking about getting one ...

http://www.tbotech.com/advancedtaser.htm

[duc995@aol.com]

Damn!  I wanted the cat to get it! :(

[boo181]

Damn!  I wanted the cat to get it! :(

i agree, the stinking cat should have got it ;D