Moan-Day Humor

[KBOlsen]

Three men sitting stiffly side by side on a long plane flight. After 30 minutes the man on the left suddenly says distinctly and confidently in a low voice:  General, United States Air Force, married, two sons, both surgeons.
 
A few minutes later the man on the right reveals through a tight-lipped smile:  General, United States Marine Corps, married, two sons, both judges.
 
Several minutes pass before the one in the middle with eyes twinkling, loudly proclaims:  Master Sergeant, United States Army, NEVER married, two sons, both generals.
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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanna you lisina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
 
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Hows about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?"
 
"You lisina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Somma day you gonn coma home and maybe finda you wife inna da bed with anotha man. Whaddya gonna do, shoot the sonna ma betch..... or....... looka ata ya watch an say, "times up"?

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a  hard  right turn at the end of the runway if you are able......If not, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.
 
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
 
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
 
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
 
4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
 
5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups. The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.
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[KBOlsen]

Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
 
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
 
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
 
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
 
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
 
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
 
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.  
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Okay, now we're going after colleges I see. This from a friend in Indiana (Anyone from Texas primed with Aggie jokes?)
 
1. What does the average Purdue player get on his SATs? - Drool.
2. What do you get when you put 32 Purdue cheerleaders in one room? - A full set of teeth
3. How do you get a Purdue cheerleader in your dorm room? - Grease her hips and push really hard.
4. How do you get a Purdue graduate off your porch? - Pay him for the pizza.
5. Why do Purdue cheerleaders wear bibs? - To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
6. Why is the Purdue team like a possum? - They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
7. What are the longest three years of a Purdue player's life? - His freshman year.
8. How many Purdue freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? - None, its a sophomore course.
9. Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco? - West Lafayette. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
10. Why is Purdue changing to orange as the team color? - They can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

[dwilson]

So I'm not a dog owner but enjoy running after my Dad's dog around the yard.  Yesterday I'm running full speed after this 5 year old German Shepard when she turns around and dives at my legs...  Me and dog tumbled and slid across the dirt in a blur.  We both made out OK except for a few bumps and bruises.  First time I've gotten that close to the ground since Summit Point  ::)

[jp233]

>MARRIAGE (PART I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night . . . whether you're here or not."

>>MARRIAGE (PART II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

"Yeah?"! she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

>>MARRIAGE (PART III)

A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this late, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

>>MARRIAGE (PART IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?"His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[Woofentino Pugrossi]

2 guys sitting in an airliner.
Nervous guy asks the other guy "How far would that engine get us if the other one fails?"
The other guy says "All the way to the scene of the crash"