Hi, all. I wanted to take the time to post about my situation in hopes that I can help anyone else out there who comes across the same thing in their lives.
To reset, I returned to roadracing in '04 after 10 years, went back expert and managed to win a race. I'd planned to do a full season in '05. Well the wife flipped and eventually made it impossible for me to ride. I decided that my marriage was much more important and that we would just work things out, so I quit just before Daytona this year and sold a good portion of my stuff, including one fast 600rr.
Fast Forward to one month ago and it turns out she was having an affair! Now having an affair is bad enough, but forcing me to quit racing 'for the sake of our marriage' along with it qualifies as dastardly. Now I'm divorced, moving out of a beautiful home and without a racebike. I could get into specifics but it'd be too long and you wouldn't believe it anyway... soap opera writers couldn't dream this stuff up on Abscinth.
So, to any of you who may have a similar situation arise keep this in mind. I understand people are all different, but you need to make the decision for yourself and no one else. I trusted my wife 100%, it's one of the reasons I married her, and she betrayed me in every aspect. I'm now looking for a new house and a racebike for next year. *Lesson learned*
I dunno man... The way that my wife allows me to pour through money in racing, maybe she's hiding something from me! ;D ;D
(sorry dude... your situation sucks, and I wouldn't wish it on most people)
What an evil biatch! Hope she gets a nasty pox...
Sorry to see you go through this type of crap. I agree with what you said. Thats was a nice yellow ride you had. Get back to racing soon.
QuoteI'm now looking for a new house and a racebike for next year. *Lesson learned*
Man, I will never understand why YOU have to move out of the house.
Divorce law is something beyond me. I pray I never get an education
Let me clarify a couple of things. We are BOTH moving out. We have to sell the house because neither of us can buy the other's share of the equity out.
Second, on divorce law, here's a little kicker that I didn't know before I got married. In the state of Florida, and most others, there's what's called 'no-fault' divorce. Simply put if you come home, find your wife doing something unmentionable with a stranger... she still is entitled to half the assets. I was always under the nieve impression that if you're at fault, you get zippo on the mutual assets and just get to keep what is yours. Had I known that wasn't the case I wouldn't have gotten married without a prenup.
Thirdly, I'm getting everything I want in the divorce because I hold a few trump cards. Since kids might read this I won't get into it in this forum, but think worse than soap opera. I basically wrote the agreement myself, had my buddy (who is a lawyer) ok it and she signed it, no questions asked. Since I am way too old school in the chivalry department I still gave her at least half of everything and let her keep the nice SUV (only she drove it anyway). We couldn't afford 2 nice cars so I bought her that one and kept my POS '97 s-10. Just glad to be done. I'm actually excited about racing and eventually finding a girl that is into racing also.
Jeff--> I wouldn't worry, buddy. You know how every so often a motor comes along that is just way out of line with average HP and we call it a 'ringer'... well you got the 'ringer' wife ;D
Ohh Boy can I relate...
I am sorry to hear that things work out in the manner they did... I can't feel bad about your divorce, cuz you are going to be some much better off this way.
I had a Soap Opera myself...
I was 21, Married and I wanted to race...
I was all of 2 inches away from getting on the track, when my life turned upside down.
9 Years later, I finally started racing.
I never regret my choices...
But i can't help woundering what if...
So you missed 05, but nothing is stopping you for 06 and beyond ;D Sounds like a good deal to me!
XIII
Hey, those tire warmers you sold me totally kick ass! They are the nicest ones I've ever had! Tell the ex thanks from me!
Yeah, that was really low. Hopefully, you'll take it with the humor it was intended to carry.... :-[
Anyhow, it seems your problem has solved itself. Good for you, and watch out world! Just let me share one of the lessons I've learned on my way to being old. Don't try to make up for lost time. Done is done. When you get on the track, last year, last weekend, even last session doesn't matter. All that matters is you, the bike, and how far ahead your eyes can see. A very wise friend told me that at exactly the right moment, and it turned me completely around, virtually killing all my demons in one shot. Don't let your past dictate your future. It will only screw you up.
Oh, and I love the Rossi quote under your avatar! He pretty much summed it all up there, didn't he? :o
QuoteSo you missed 05, but nothing is stopping you for 06 and beyond ;D Sounds like a good deal to me!
No kidding... If you hadn't found out, you wouldn't have had sunlight for 06 (or gasp! maybe a late 05 race)...
and yeah, my wife is great... but she takes it out on me in large bites from time to time... lol... (don't they all)
Chris, you're welcome on the warmers... I'll be getting PDs again when the time comes. Luckily, I was smart enough to not sell any gear.
Yeah, note to other board members. When Larry says "Like New," he means it! That was a very good deal. For the first time in my life, my warmers don't look like I stole them from a homeless person....
Hey, read my advice again Larry. It's good stuff, and applies heavily to your situation on many levels. Good luck, bro!
I got the "race or get divorced" ultimatum a couple years ago...
I wish I would have started racing 15 years ago...
QuoteJust glad to be done. I'm actually excited about racing and eventually finding a girl that is into racing also.
Might want to check this thread out then! ;D
http://forums.13x.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=78355
Wierd, for me before I got married I did ALL the SAME things I do now, except now its tearing us apart. I raced, worked a lot of OT and went out with friends. She never wants to go out, go to the races with me or basically do anything. Its all blamed on the dog, no one to watch the dog..bullshit I say. I have tried everything..she refused to go to marriage counseling, I refuse to quit racing and control riding...I did it before I was married and she knew who she was marrying..job, racing and all. Just dont know what to do. My family is all for racing and everything else I do, I want to include her in everything, but she wont do anything. We argue non stop and I just think its about at the end. Women (some) are wierd....she knew everything I did before we married, and now its some big freakin problem.
Sean, you're talking about my wife. It was tough for a while, but I made sure to constantly tell and show her that she was my girl, and that I loved her, and that I missed her when I went away, and that I couldn't wait to tell her about it when I got home. Eventually, she accepted me for who I am, and now things are fine. The key is to make sure she doesn't feel like fourth or fifth most important thing in your life. My wife stays home, but she is finally OK with my racing and STT coaching.
Larry,
What a f*cking train wreck.....
I'm so sorry to hear your tale of woe. I count my lucky stars for my good marriage when I hear stories like that. As always, K3 has offered some steller advice, too.
Fellow racers can relate to tough situations, this sport offers some of the best moments in life.....As well as some of the lowest moments imaginable. One constant remains steady, my racing friends "get it", they always understand, and they always got my back.
It may be a couple of years, but one day we'll be at the same track...and I'll have a beer & a brat waiting for you!
Good luck with the next chapter in your life.
Cheers,
Well, you're not the first guy to give up everything for a lost cause. But at 32 I have to compliment your maturity on the matter. (Myself, I went absolutly mental.) K3 has the best advice there is, look ahead. The right woman is out there. Do what you really want to do, Aspire to who you really want to be, and never let anyone have the power over you to change that.
Larry:
Sorry to hear that you gave it up for HER :(. Ditto on what K3 said; M/C racing is a total focus sport, you didn't need the anchor in the pits anyway.
Get it together and live Your life, get out there soon and kick ass!
The right woman will come along, probably some "pit tootsie" (boy did I just date myself or what?).
Wow Larry, sorry to hear of this.
That is a big mess to go thru and I know too much about it from 1st hand experience.
I was married at 19, she was 18 and we had our first kid when I was 20. Whe I got interested in racing ( dirt and cars in 1964! ) she threw a royal fit. That woman made my life a real trial for the next few years with numerous affairs, constant berating, all of which she blamed me for and which I, in my inexperienced youth, accepted. Cut that knot after 6 years but it took me a long time to think of women in a positive way.
My current wife and I have been married since 1974 and it has been heaven. Since she accepts me without reservation she has always accepted some of the nutty stuff I do. Like starting road racing at age 62! yikes. My kids ( all from the first wife ) and all the grandchildren call her " the good Grandmother ". I have come to believe that nothing beats a good marriage and nothing is worse than a bad one. Seems like you have had your " bad one ".
BTW, as a joke ( well sort of ) I tell my buddies that I'm keeping peace in the family by taking her to the BMW dealer and letting her pick out whatever car she wanted. It took Andy Feuersthaler and Brian Baker to point out how dangerous that was as she could have picked one of those hideously expensive 7XX of 6 XX series. Luckily she picked a 325. :)
QuoteWhat an evil biatch! Hope she gets a nasty pox...
I must second the medical marvel's opinion here.
what a raw fucking deal man.. i hope you have a good lawyer because she shouldnt get shit from you since she was an adultress!
and go win some more races now!
QuoteIts all blamed on the dog, no one to watch the dog..bullshit I say.
Get rid of the dog. Seriously though, like you can't bring a dog to the track. I would say the issues are much deeper. Life is a funny thing, and sometimes we can't be expected to know it all. Try to work it out, failing that, counseling, failing that, time for some serious thought. Good luck.
Something I have learned over the years is women WANT controversy in their lives for some strange reason. I have found that all too often they want to be treated like dirt (to some degree or another) so they can complain to their freinds about you. Nothing to complain about or create controversey and their not happy! I look at it as though it's some type of personally insecurity issues that they only feel better about when they are tearing down their man. Really freaking weird to me!
(currently 3 freinds of mine are going thru divorces, all initiated by their wives, all 3 wives were cheating on them! Go figure!) :-/
Quote Something I have learned over the years is women WANT controversy in their lives for some strange reason. I have found that all too often they want to be treated like dirt (to some degree or another) so they can complain to their freinds about you. Nothing to complain about or create controversey and their not happy! I look at it as though it's some type of personally insecurity issues that they only feel better about when they are tearing down their man. Really freaking weird to me!
(currently 3 freinds of mine are going thru divorces, all initiated by their wives, all 3 wives were cheating on them! Go figure!) :-/
Please do state that all women are that way....
While true of some, difinately NOT all.
Thanks.
Dawn (loyal wife and supporter of Paul, likes to be content without a lot of drama in her life - grounded and blessed to be here)
QuotePlease do state that all women are that way....
While true of some, difinately NOT all.
Thanks.
Dawn (loyal wife and supporter of Paul, likes to be content without a lot of drama in her life - grounded and blessed to be here)
Here here!
We could go the other way and accuse all men of being self centered pigs who treat us like dirt and have no respect. (Roger and I are so boring it hurts sometimes. Rhiannon provides enough drama for both of us ::) ;D )
Everyone & no one, always and never are terms that should be used with exteme caution. Life is so seldom that black and white. With the good comes the bad, the fun needs some work, etc, to find balance. Now that's the real trick of it all. ;)
QuoteIts all blamed on the dog, no one to watch the dog.
Buy a used RV ... comfort for her and the dog. See what the next excuse is :D
- Roach
QuoteBuy a used RV ... comfort for her and the dog.
- Roach
Worked for me....
Paul: "I want to go racing. We can sleep in a tent."
Dawn: "We can go racing, but there is no way in hell I'm sleeping in a tent."
Our first travel trailer was $1500.00 with no running water, but it had heat, a stove, refridgerator and a bed. We've moved up from there....
Life is good and everyone's happy.
Dawn :D
Sorry about your situation.
But not all women are bad. My Wife is totally cool with me racing.
As a matter of fact, she prefers me racing to riding on the street. She says (and I agree) racing is much safer than riding on the street. No Semi's, Old People, Drunk People, Crazy People to deal with and to run you over. :o
Same with my Mom. And if my MOM prefers me racing vs riding on the street, well 99% of my battles are already won.
;D
QuoteNo Semi's, Old People, Drunk People, Crazy People to deal with and to run you over. :o
Not on the track, but maybe in the pits.
;D
Well, welcome back to racing. Your life is all yours again-have a party with a couple of friends to celebrate your movin on. At least it, the affair BS, didn't go on for 5 or 10 years with no racing, eh? THAT would be a real pisser. If I remember right weren't you looking at eventually making the Daytona grid in AMA? Which Honda are you lookin at gettin? Another 600, is that right?
Anybody got a spare 600RR to loan this guy for a couple weekends? Just a few trips 'round the track to keep him in smiles!? ;D ;D ;D
Yeah, I wanted to run the 200. I was willing to only do one season and hang it up (willingly), but even that wasn't good enough.
I also realized that she resented me for the things I've done and can still do. I'm an extremely humble person, but I've managed to compete at a decent level in most everything I've done. I played golf for a year and had a 10 handicap, hockey for two and played at Florida, racing for one and did pretty well. She has no hobbies, talents or skills. I didn't care, mind you, I still loved her, but she resented it. I realize I need a woman who has confidence in herself and has accomplished quite a bit. I would be supportive, I don't understand how you can feel you're in a competition with someone you love that way.
On the note of needing a beautiful, accomplished woman who can handle a gun and likes racing... is Rhiannon single? I can't imagine she would be, but knowledge is power. Oh, and I know : she doesn't date racers, blah, blah. Phooey, I say. You should never say never, that I've learned.
Anyway, thanks to you all for the support and kind words, it really helps
Guys, is Rhiannon single? :o ;)
NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! SHE'S MINE!
(She just doesn't realize it yet....)
QuoteDawn (loyal wife and supporter of Paul, likes to be content without a lot of drama in her life - grounded and blessed to be here)
So says the wife of the CCS Midwest Drama Queen, 'Primadona Paul!"
QuoteCCS Midwest Drama Queen, 'Primadona Paul!"
HASHAHA
Let me tell you how my wife is....If I have a street bike, she wants me to ride only on the track(too many drunk people, left turning idiots etc.....)if I have a track bike, she only wants me to ride on the street(racing is dangerous, all racers are crazy etc....)Its a no win situation. I quit riding altogether last year and have been going crazy ever since!!! I am slowly weening her on the idea of me being on the track in August.(Bike is ready, fees have been paid, she just doesn't know!) Still crazy for all the hoops one has to jump through. Good luck on your divorce. Hopefully your next wife/girlfriend will be more understanding
No way, Onwiler! First the warmers, now this!
Ice racing, Super motard? I thought I'd tried it all, but those are OUT there. Must just be because I've never seen snow. All those cold winters make people do funny stuff on bikes. Oh yah, we'll just put duh nails in da tires dehr, sure, sure, yah that should work out just fine dehr.
roadracer67--> On the danger issue, use this one on your wife. It is technically 3.4 times more likely that I will be killed at my profession than I will in roadracing. Granted, I own a pizzeria that does mostly deliveries in a so-so neighborhood, but you get the idea. Those who go through life on their tip toes never truly live. I'm not saying you need to be insane, but on the chart of crazy stuff you can do, roadracing is WAY down there, honestly. My life insurance agent even said the rate wouldn't go up, again my job was more dangerous.
In my case danger was brought up, but it was never a real issue, just an excuse. If your wife really cares for you, it may be that she genuinely is worried about you and that I get, 100%. I would have quit without hesitation had I felt that was the problem. Roadracing is NOT that dangerous, you just need to put it in perspective for her.
Quote Roadracing is NOT that dangerous, you just need to put it in perspective for her.
Of course I said the same thing to my (now) wife last year, she attended her first race and I promptly snapped myself in half. :o :P
Amazingly, she wants me to teach her to ride this summer... There are good ones out there. ;)
QuoteThere are good ones out there. ;)
Too bad they make up less than 1% of the population and all the guys are trying to find them! :-/
(and yes, I am a VERY bitter person based on my past experiences and also from seeing those around me go thru similar and/or worse situations and really get screwwed!)
True, true, Mike. I think you have to be perfectly happy to be alone, which I am. That way you don't feel the need to accept someone is not in that 1%.
I'm out to lunch on the single thing. I dated dozens of girls, but only for the se...., er.... um.... female, uh... COMPANIONSHIP! Yeah, that's it!
Then I met my wife. I was in love before I even said hello to her. Total first sight, knocked me off my feet, goo goo eyed crazy love. I don't know HOW you fall in love at first sight, but she says it happened to her, too. Almost 15 years later, we're still going strong.
For Laura, her objection has always been 100% about the danger. She doesn't want to lose me. My street bikes scared her just as bad. After seven years now, she's gotten over the fear of my racing. Still, she never misses an opportunity to stare dissaprovingly when I come limping through the door after a bad weekend at the track....
Women like Dawn and Heather are cool for supporting their racer men. I think I'm doing OK with the wife I've got. She doesn't come along, but she also doesn't get too curious about what I spend, and she doesn't give me grief about my comings and goings unless I get hurt. That's probably better than most racers could logically expect from their wives.
QuoteGuys, is Rhiannon single? :o ;)
If she is... Thats just a shame!
Though I see her putting fear in mens eyes... one date at a time! ;D
XIII
If that's fear, then scare me sh*&less!
Sorry about all the BS......
Life has its moments but now....you get to look forward to a new bike, gear and race season. YEAH!
Sam
QuoteIf that's fear, then scare me sh*&less!
Well, you could ride b1tch on any two (or 4) wheeled conveyance with her at the controls... :o ;) ;D
QuoteWell, you could ride b1tch on any two (or 4) wheeled conveyance with her at the controls... :o ;) ;D
I think it's about time for someone to search the archives for the post about my "date" with Rhiannon aboard Don De Chant's Harley last summer.... ;D
QuoteWierd, for me before I got married I did ALL the SAME things I do now, except now its tearing us apart. I raced, worked a lot of OT and went out with friends. She never wants to go out, go to the races with me or basically do anything. Its all blamed on the dog, no one to watch the dog..bullshit I say. I have tried everything..she refused to go to marriage counseling, I refuse to quit racing and control riding...I did it before I was married and she knew who she was marrying..job, racing and all. Just dont know what to do. My family is all for racing and everything else I do, I want to include her in everything, but she wont do anything. We argue non stop and I just think its about at the end. Women (some) are wierd....she knew everything I did before we married, and now its some big freakin problem.
Sean, this is the classic example...once you get married and the woman "has you" she doens't want you to do the things that attracted her to you to begin with...therefore you are no longer attractive to other women. insecurity issues there, bro.
my wife and I have battled with a little of the same kind of stuff, just not racing related...I am the same as I was before, she knew who and how I am...she said "I do"...but of course as is the case sometimes, my woman tried to change the rules midstream...not gonna happen.
it's a bit of a control issue too. the funny part is that if you concede and let her make all the decisions, she blame you for being a child and not taking responsibility. if you make your own decisions, then you aren't being considerate. it's tough to not sound like a complete a$$ when I say this, but I have told my wife "this is the way I am. you knew it going in. take it or leave it." women will take as much control as you let them. if you cave, she'll own you forever...you'll be just one of the minivan masses...emasculated with just a flicker of the racer you used to be somewhere in your memories, but even then just for an instant. I'm not saying that men should be dominant, just hold their collective ground.
life is too short to be with someone who you can't support and who isn't supportive of you. there are always bumps in the road, but you gotta be happy...good on ya for sticking to your racing and riding, regardless.
Men marry women hoping they'll never change... and
Women marry men hoping they will.
QuoteMen marry women hoping they'll never change... and
Women marry men hoping they will.
that should be a t-shirt. ;D
Man....
I just must be weird... I cannot believe some of the stuff that I read on this thread.
:-/
Remember Dawn, you are the shining example that all other racers hold their wives up against. Well, you and Heather. Not every man got as lucky as Paul and Stumpy did.
Dawn, you're not alone... Some of the views are pretty frightening.
Heaven forbid a person stop to think that people change over time, and they themselves are not excluded from this.
Racing is my escape as is skateboarding and eating dogs and cats and my wife doesn't want to be envolved in it yet she is cool with it and understands that a person needs an escape to remain sane. Now if racing or eating pets became so expensive that it compromised our quality of life.. I'm sure she'd have a big freaking problem and things wouldn't be so cool. I like it that way. I don't need her coming to the track with me. I have enough distractions already with all the delicious dogs running around. :)
For once, I have to disagree with you, Jeff. At the normal age of marriage (25-27?) a person should be mostly formed. That's not to say that people don't change a little here and there, of course they do. However, there shouldn't be a complete shift of personality and lifestyle. My wife went from coming home and running creative memories meetings and watching FOX news, to going out 2-3 times per week with her 'friends' not inviting me and coming home at 4 a.m. drunk out of her mind... and she usually drove. That is the kind of change that isn't allowed! I once actually ran her down because I knew she was driving home drunk, when I caught up (while talking to her on the cell) she insisted she was fine... while going from one lane to the next and so forth. I finally got her pulled over and in my truck and she verbally abused me all the way home for trying to be her 'father' (one of her favorite lines)... this from a motorcycle racer, ya right. Upon our arrival she switched her verbal abuse to physical and began to throw blows like a prize fighter. Luckily she has no strength or skill, but it was still unpleasant. I managed enough self control to pick her up and put her to bed... just one of the many stories, but change like that isn't normal. ;)
Kim +1 on the saying, you should make a t-shirt out of it. Lord knows I'd buy one :)
Sorry to hear your story cardzillla. But it sounds like videotape of that was warrented for the divorce proceedings. That's generally considered assault.
Either way...she's gone. Done deal. Move on and UP!!!!
QuoteSean, this is the classic example...once you get married and the woman "has you" she doens't want you to do the things that attracted her to you to begin with...therefore you are no longer attractive to other women. insecurity issues there, bro.
DEAD RINGER THERE! I gave an example of 3 of my freinds who are going thru, or just went thru, divorces that were initiated by their wives (when all 3 of the wives had been cheating on my freinds). Like myself, all 3 of them use to have motorcycles, snowmobiles, jet ski's, nice vehicles, and I went downhill skiing with each of them almost every winter (the wives often times came too, in fact I taught 2 of them how to ski). Within a few years of being married the wives had forced my freinds to get rid of all the fun stuff (even though all of the 'toys' were already paid for). It's amazing how much more important it was to have the money from the 'toys' to spend on needless remodeling on their newer houses (which were in excellent shape to begin with). It was like each of those guys had their soul ripped out with the loss of each of the things they truely enjoyed to do. After that came the ever so ironic phrases from the wives like "we never do anything fun anymore", "you need to get a hobby", and "so and so's NEW husband does all kinds of fun stuff with her". Also comes the complaining about needing more money to do more needless things around the house to keep up with the Jones'es and that she DESPERATELY NEEDS a new wardrobe. This ended up with my freinds working 60 -72 hours a week to keep the money mongers happy, which ended up with the statement "You don't spend enough time with me". WOW, make the drama go away! :o
I don't hate women, like it may seem, but I am cautious and distrusting as to the motives by many. As far as marriage goes I read some very interesting articles that talked about the risks vs. reward of marriage at this current day and age. A good point was to think about the amount of risk the husband and wife each bring to a marriage. The questions were asked: "what does a man bring to a marriage that he won't leave with in the event of a divorce, and what does he stand to gain or loose in the long run after a divorce?", the same questions were also asked of women. Think about that one for a minute and you realize that unless the woman is loaded she doesn't stand to really loose anything she had before the marriage and would rarely have to pay a dime after the divorce to the ex husband. Now look at the males risk and you realize just how FUBAR'ed the so called 'shared risk' of marriage is, I fail to see the 'shared risk' in the absolute majority of cases?
I think if most sane people were presented with an investment opportunity which offered the possibility of average returns, but required that you put up EVERYTHING you have worked for in your ENTIRE life as collateral, I think most would turn away from that as a smart investment and look to something else that gave the same returns without the massive risk. Add to that the possibility to loose 1/2 of everything you have earned in your life, restrictions as to how you can use ANY money you have or will earn, and the possibilty of having to forfeit a large portion of any future money you earn back to that investment after it fails, even many years after removing yourself from it. In the case that the investment doesn't fail, which is becoming more and more rare, you can then expect those average returns originally presented. Looking at it from the just described perspective it's a real eye opener as to how risky marriage really is for a guy.
More power to those of you that have made it work, I hope it continues. But as for me the only way I would even consider marriage is with an iron clad pre-nup, something one of those articles mentioned was this very issue. The questioned posed was "If someone, male or female, had no alter goals or motives with marrying an individual other than truely being in love with them, then why would anyone be offended by a prenuptial agreement"? I thought that was one hell of a good question that I have never heard a credible response as to why someone would be offended by a pre-nup if they didn't have alterior motives? I mean the whole "Marriage is about trust" response most women give to that question doesn't answer the question at all. I think removing the assets as a factor in a marriage being terminated would actually help to save them, I believe the couple would spend more time actually trying to work things out if neither stood to gain financially by a divorce.
WOW. I've been sitting on the sidelines biting my lip trying not to get involved in this, but man Mike - You're right. I was married for 17 years and the trend just appeared to creep up. One of my wife's friends gets divorced then the next and so on & so on, and then it was her turn. I took care of everything $$$ for all that time. Except for two years of those 17, she had to take care of the house & work on her hobbies. But guess what? That just means when she decides to trade you in for a monthly check, the check will be bigger because that's the life style she's accustom to. It's a great Flocking racquet. Like you said Mike – the down-side risk for a women is null. Not saying I was the perfect guy either, but I truly think I did a pretty good job. I seriously envy your situation Jeffery. I hope you appreciate it. And for all the talk of finding the right girl out there - good luck man. Have you ever heard the saying - 'All the good ones are taken'? I think it's true. Hope I don't sound too cynical. I'll hold out hope. Any thing can happen.
I've seen some hellacious divorces. Most recently, a co-worker kicked his cheating wife to the curb, then at the suggestion of one of her ex-friends, had a DNA test performed on the kid she jammed him into marrage with. Guess what....?
My parents got divorced. Dad was a cheater, and Mom was a saint. finally, Dad needed full freedom to devote to the other women, so he left. Mom NEVER has gotten fully over it, and never has seriously dated. 20+ years later, she still mourns the loss of her marrage.
Mike, I totally agree that a money-sucking leech-woman has everything to gain and nothing to lose in marrage. But not all women are like that, just as all men aren't cheaters like my dad. The problem here is that too many people make the most important choice of their lives for all the wrong reasons. If your primary reason for marrying a girl is because she's a smoking hottie, then you're just asking for it. Would you marry a pole dancer? They are the most beautiful momen in the world, but their entire job is to take money from horny men. I've seen many wives on a similar mission, and many husbands willing to ante up for the big rack and tight butt. When the marrage fails, who's fault is that?
Seriously. Before my wife, I dated dozens. Most of the motivation for this dating was tucked into my BVDs. It never occured to me to get married until the day I met my wife, and after that day, it was all I could think about. If you include the dating part, we've been together 18 years. In all that time, I've only met one other lady I'd actually even consider marrying if I were single. So that's a grand total of TWO, COUNT THEM TWO, women who I've considered worth marrying in 42 years. Back when I was dating, I walked away from perfectly good, pretty, nice women, simply because I was not in love with them. Remember, lust is not love.
Mike, your post about the risk to a man for being married? Dead accurate. The risk to a heartless harpy? "Oops! I didn't marry a rich enough guy!" But the risk to a good woman? "I gave him my heart, my soul, all the years when I was young and pretty. had his kids, kept his house, and now he's nailing some stripper and driving around in a red Corvette!"
The problem is that people just don't make good enough choices, or make their choices for the wrong reasons.
Well...
Now that I know that I am the scum of the earth because I am of the female persuation.... :'(
Let me share some thoughts that worked for Paul and I.
I knew I had someone special after Paul and I started making our marriage plans. On my side of the family, bachelor parties are a big thing. It's their excuse to go and watch strippers, dirty movies and get drunk off their ass (guys, trust me... If you go and watch strippers... it hurts. When you look lustfully at another woman when you have us at home, it's a betrayal for us. Turn it around, how would you feel if your woman went to a male stripper show, started hooting and hollering and stuffing $1's down another guys package?). Paul, to everyones amazement said, "I don't want a bachelor party." Well, that set all my uncles reeling (my dad was happy though :) ) and Paul was on his way to being the 'odd one of the family'. One of my uncles said we have to go out and celebrate so Paul said sure, but Dawn's coming with us, and that's the way it went. Paul, myself, and only one of my uncles went to a bar, shot darts, and actually had a really good time.
Paul's friends became my friends and my friends became his. Although some of those friendships fell by the wayside over the years. Some who were still single didn't understand why, Dawn (or Paul) always needed to come along. Yes, marriage changed us... we do everything together.
So that is how it's been for the past 17 years.... 98% of the time, we do things together. It has also been a lot of compromises throughout the years. Paul or I would want to do something and we would sit down and hammer out the details. It's a give and take relationship on both sides.
Good luck guys....
Take K3's advice. Once you have that ring around her finger, don't think the romance is done. Go out and have fun, but make sure she still feels special, heck take her along, but don't treat her as the third wheel. Most women I know, if they're included and wanted (not... "I had to bring her.") will be sure to do things to make your activity all the more enjoyable.
Dawn
" In Sicily women are more dangerous than shotguns." -The Godfather
:o
Go race, enjoy life, leave the anger behind to become the pro you are.
My wife and I have just about nothing in common.
She likes antique junk...I don't.
She'll spend all day in a junk store looking at junk...I'll whine and make a total a$$ of myself until we leave.
I like to go fast...she's a chicken who doesn't even know how to drive stick shift.
She listens to Kathy Lee Gifford Christmas music even in the summer...I listen to one certain musician almost exclusively, who she hates.
I snore...she does too, so we often sleep in separate rooms.
She likes to do repetitive things...I like to do different things.
I like to travel...she likes to be in her own home.
I've got an edumacation...she's got street smarts.
She likes those real life hospital trauma shows...I like movies.
I'm an emotional boob...I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen her even come close to crying.
I don't know when to crack on the kids and when they've already cracked on themselves...she does.
I race...she says, "Bye, have fun. At least you're not pi$$ing it up against a bar."
We have nothing in common and everything in common because somehow we bring out the best in each other. I'd be a curmudgeon without her.
After reading this thread, I took her to dinner and we had a nice time. Bob Evans. $11.73 + tip. Did I mention she's a cheap date? Hey, whatever works! :)
Good Luck Larry. Stay close to family and friends and away from booze.
;)
LOL...
Well, what ever works, Don.. ;)
Say hi to Sue for me.
Dawn :)
at this point I do feel I should mention that I do love my wife, we are happy together and I'm much better off with her in my life. I'm very lucky overall, as I waited til I knew enough about myself to find the right person, not everyone does that...
just the other day my wife was talking about a woman in her office who's obsession is getting married...doesn't really care to who. when was the last time you heard a story like that about a guy?
Sec, A guy that works for me has been married 4 times. Twice to the same woman who was abusive the first time around! He now has so many psyc issues everybody kind of knows to just step back and shake their head.
Believe it or not there are guys that just have to be married. Even if they live loney lives just to pay her billls. Sad, real sad. For men or women it's self esteem. For whatever reason, they feel not worthy of someone actually giving a shi+ if they take another breath. Women often become premiscuious and obsess about trapping the man of the week. Men will either off themselves, or work way too much just for the money in order to deem themselves worthy.
Bottom line, humans are crazy. Some a little more so.
QuoteNow that I know that I am the scum of the earth because I am of the female persuation.... :'(
Now Dawn, it's quite obvious that we ALL consider you in the 1% catagory, or 1 of the rare 'good ones'. I applaud women like yourself who not only support their husband in what he does but have made it work and continue to. I will be the 1st to admit that I am envious of that type of relationship. :)
Dawn --> I didn't have a bachelor party either... maybe I should have?
Don--> We were polar opposites as well and I thought the exact same way you did, just didn't work in our case.
On the note that some men just need to be married. I am close to that. There's nothing better than coming home to a loving wife and just being 'togehter'. It doesn't matter what you're doing, just that it is together. You can't get that from dating and not even with a serious girlfriend. It is completely different when you're married. I married my wife at 120 lbs, in one year she was almost 150, but I loved her just the same. I would still tell her how beautiful I thought she was every day. I should have probably noticed that when she dropped back to 115 in two months that something was up. Having a serious crush will make that happen and that was the case. Oh well, live and learn.
When my wife left I was upset.
When my golden retriever died, I cried.
A dog loves you even when you work late, or stop and get a beer, or stink from sweating, or go on a date, or buy a new motorcycle, or... they're alot more faithful and always glad to see you without all the conditions.
You will get past all of this and be a wiser man for having gone through it. Alone isn't bad, sometimes it's real nice. Lonely SUCKS. It's how you look at it.
You're young, healthy, and apparently a good guy that was willing to sacrifice. Good women are hunting for you. Be choosy next round.
A farm equipment salesman is going farm to farm on a beautiful summer day, he approaches the next farm on his list, gets out of his car, and walks up to the house. When he gets close to the front door of the house he see's the farmer sitting in a rocking chair on the porch with his hound dog laying partially in the sun next to him. The salesman asks the farmer " I would like to show you some info on farm equipment, would that be ok?" to which the farmer replies "Yup". As he starts up the steps he sees the dog lift it's head and look at him, so out of caution he asks the farmer if the dog is freindly, to which the farmer again replied "Yup".
As the salesman is giving his presentation the hounddog lifts it's head and bellows out an agonizing howel, this startled the salesman, but didn't even phase the farmer so the salesman continued. About 10 minutes later the dog bellows again, followed a little after that with yet another bellow. The salesman is no longer able to concentrate on his presentation so he asks the farmer what is wrong with his dog? The farmer replies "There ain't nuthin' wrong with that dog", to which the salesman responds "Then why does he bellow like that?". The farmer looks at the dog and says "Oh that, well that dumb dog is layin on a nail. Ya see, 2 hours ago when we came out here that was the only spot on the porch with any sunlight so the dog laid down there, he apparently was willing to sacrifice some discomfort for that warm sunlight". The salesman then responds with "Now the dog is barely in the sunlight at all, why doesn't he move and get off that nail"? The farmer then said something that affected him from that point on in his life. "Well, even though that nail was only uncomfortable at 1st, it's gotten to be painful for him now by the sounds he's been making. I imagine the memory of how good it felt layin' there in the sun earlier is what's keepin' him there. I reckon that nail just ISN'T HURTING HIM ENOUGH YET"!
The salesman completed his presentation and left still thinking about that dog. He realized just how true it is that we do so many things in life just like that, remembering how it was or how it should have been, and end up accepting something that really isn't what we want at all.
I personally had been laying on a couple nails that I should have gotten up and moved away from years ago, but they weren't hurting me enough yet. Now I'm in the process of moving off of them and it's a great relief, but scars still remain. Whether it's a bad marriage, debt, a bad job, or whatever, thinking about that story can wake you up a bit. Hopefully the sunlight is enough to displace the discomfort from whatever the nails are in your lives! :)