Ok everyone,
I'm bored and I am calling on you to make my evening at work a little more entertaining. So any jokes or pictures would be appreciated. There is only on rule - it has to be "clean" if you know what I mean.
Dawn ;)
here you go dawn, and guys, dont say nothin, dawn's a nice lady.
WHY I LOVE MY MOM...
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's
getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make
sandwiches for the next day's lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table
and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a
shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on
the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered
the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned
and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and
wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip,
and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a
birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then
washed her face, put on moisturizer brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and called the
cat in, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the
kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty
socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one still up
doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing
for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow. About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular, "I'm going to bed." And he did...without another thought. Anything extraordinary here?......Wonder why
women live longer......We are stronger....made for the long haul-- Send
this to 12 phenomenal women today in celebration of Women's History Month. They'll love you for it!
Thanks Ike!
I really enjoyed that...
Dawn :)
Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to
define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood
for...it's about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs.....
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.
file:/home/ia2192/WEEKLYPLANNER.htm
Subject: Comebacks for single people
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
Not worth the blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
That would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'm not married but my wife is.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren't you thin?
(Bonus reply for Single Mothers)
Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Gone Fishin'
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been
Asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and
several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This
is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so
would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! please pack my new blue silk pajamas"
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but, being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies:
"I did, they were in your tacklebox."
QuoteBra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to
define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood
for...it's about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs.....
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.
file:/home/ia2192/WEEKLYPLANNER.htm
I have to share this one with Paul. He definately 'Can't Complain' - but knowing him he still will ;)
Ooops! TMI!!!!
Dawn :D
Adam and Eve had an ideal
marriage. He didn't
have to hear about all the men she could have
married, and
she didn't have to hear about the way his
mother cooked.
____________________________________________
An elderly woman died last month. Having
never married,
she requested no male pallbearers. In her
handwritten
instructions for her memorial service, she
wrote, "They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I
don't want them
to take me out when I'm dead."
____________________________________________
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
"What would
you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said,
"Call for backup."
________________________!
____________________
A Sunday school teacher asked the children
just before
she dismissed them to go to church, "And why
is it
necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie
replied, "Because
people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and
Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A
small child
replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
_____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the
Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After
explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy
mother," she asked "Is there a commandment
that teaches ! us how to treat our brothers
and sisters?"
Withou! t missing
a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall
not kill."
_____________________________________________
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created
everything, including human beings. Little
Johnny seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created
out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week
his mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and said,
Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny
responded, "I have
a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
a wife."
_____________________________________________
A very dirty little fellow came in from
playing in the yard and
asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play
the game
she said, "I don't know! Who are yo! u?"
"WOW!" cried the
child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I
was so dirty, my
own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
_____________________________________________
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all
parents on the
first day of school: "If you promise not to
believe everything
your child says happens at school, I'll
promise not to believe
everything he says happens at home."
Subject: Darwin Awards
> Please---add some clorine to the gene pool.
NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a
> shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally
> shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No.2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of
> Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police
> described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on
a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the
> source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however,
> and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No.3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47,
> accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when,
> awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached
> for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which
> discharged when he drew it to his ear. >
NOMINEE No.4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer, demonstrating
> the > safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper, crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Gary Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. He previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE No.5: [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with
> no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by
> his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large
> amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of
> beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right
> combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from
> breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been
> outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But
> the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the
> article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly
> gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE No.6: [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made
News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South
> Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his
> sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell
> and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
> electrocuted.
NOMINEE NO.7: ["The Indianapolis Star"] A Jay County man using a
> cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday
night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said
Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about
> 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber
> muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No.8: [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently
> being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call
> police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store.
> Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had
> choked him to death. >
NOMINEE No.9: [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag
> standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
NOMINEE No.10: [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] A man at a party
> popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion
> that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, State Police said Wednesday.
> Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a
> party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. "Another man had it in an
> aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said.
> "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off."
NOMINEE No.11: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a
> birdfeeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto
> suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was
> standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector
> D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears the chair moved and
> he went over the balcony," Honer said.
NOMINEE No.12: [UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's
> University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye during an initiation into a men's
> rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, OR. A friend tried
> to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye.
> Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood
> vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon
> Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow
> went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear
> of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
> Delashaw also said that if Robert had tried to pull the arrow out he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted that afterward he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."
NOMINEE No.13: The Calgary Sun Saturday, December 28, 1996
> VANCOUVER (CP) A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early yesterday, but when he stuffed it back in his pants, the gun went off. Police were called to the hospital after friends brought in the man in his
> 20s. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive.
. . . and finally,
NOMINEE No.14: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were
> seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree
near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff
> County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident
> occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging
> trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights
> malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older
> model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis
> noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the
> fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the
> headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on
> east-bound toward the White River bridge. After travelling approximately
> twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently
> overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle
> swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree.
> Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will
> require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken
> clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that
> bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is
> a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident
happened", said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's
wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES.... 2002
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who was always
totally focused when he ran, according to his wife, accidentally jogged off
a 100 foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of
Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy
equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death
was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his
hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was
wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del.,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch
and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September,
and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that
blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but
they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
4. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. All I can say, said Bingham, is that God
was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it. Bingham's foot was never located.
have a good weekend.... im off..... surely hope you havent see ALLLL of these....
AND THE WINNER IS:
1. PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed
his constipated elephant 'Stefan' 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up elephant finally let
fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say
ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive
oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of
mud. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him, said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen." ;D
Thanks Ike.... and no, I haven't seen all of them yet!
Have a great weekend!
Dawn :)